You are not a victim. You are the Creator.

My psycho-spiritual journey through a tunnel of life

"The Soul wants to awaken, so it creates suffering as a gift."

I remember driving to work one day and listening to a podcast when I heard how suffering comes as a hint to spiritual awakening. The soul is always trying to connect; it kept dialing in throughout my life, but it always did when I was busy.

Hey, it’s me. Hello, can you hear me?

Hi, hello, yes, who is it?

Hey, it’s me, your soul. I have something to tell you.

Hello… hello… the line is interrupting. I can’t talk right now. I am busy. I will call you back.

But...I never did. I kept getting busier, trying to navigate my way through a tunnel of life. There was a time before entering the darkness and a time after. This is a story about it all.

Digital Artwork by the Author

Before the Tunnel

I am six years old. Already at this age, I am a part of the most powerful force in the neighborhood and beyond, our girl gang. We called it Sile Moći, which translates to The Forces of Power in English. While I can’t precisely remember the purpose of our new establishment, I remember being fully immersed in the feelings of invincibility. When the wind blew, I moved with it. When the rain fell, it was because of us. The earth helped to put down the fire we started. We were the elements, and the street’s manhole cover in front of my house was our secret anchor. This was the spot where all the forces gathered and where all the magic happened. This was when I first encountered the power of girls working together. A time when I knew that the wind and I were one and the same. It will take me almost 30 years to remember this.

The girls knew the truth that anything was possible; there were no doubts, no limitations whatsoever. We simply followed our intuitions, our joys, and each other. I, more than anything, followed my older sister, my Ivana, the gift from God, my guru. She knew all the secrets, all the maps. She was magic in the most authentic form, always a few steps ahead of everyone.

As a child, I loved her unconditionally. She was my mother’s free-spirited, savage daughter. Ivana taught me to love the animals, speak up, protect those who can’t defend themselves, play, and be free. She taught me that as long as we stay curious, explore, and trust our Knowing to guide us, we will be okay. Together we discovered worlds beyond adult comprehension and knew about a Higher Power, despite growing up in a non-religious home. She loved mystery, darkness, fire, and magic. She introduced me to good music and her friends. As often goes with siblings, she gave rise to my ego when provoking my first pain and, in the process, took something away—the capacity to love myself unconditionally. My story cannot exist in isolation from hers.

My sister and I on a balcony of our family home in Serbia

By the time I turned ten, I was already deep in the tunnel. And it wasn’t the darkness of the tunnel that caused the most pain. It was that I felt alone in it. To survive, Karen took over.

The Tunnel

Photo by Nurlan Tortbayev

“She wants to go home But nobody’s home That’s where she lies Broken inside.”

This is a story of falling asleep and staying in a dream for a while. Growing up in a family of my soul’s choosing was chronically chaotic. The pain grew with each day until, one day, the system adapted. As a result, something had to give, and that was my heart. Naturally, ego stepped in as a big sister, and this part of myself will be a dominant one and the one I will identify with for most of my life. This story belongs to Karen, my Ego.

Since love’s resources were scarce, Karen grew and operated from a place of fear, lack, and control. Karen was very good at protecting the child within, and she prided herself on being different. Different from her sister, different from her friends. Yet, in all her differences, she often felt that she was not good enough. She longed to belong, yet the only way to surrender was through the opening and awakening of the heart. This seemed too scary for Karen to do. She was too proud, too strong. So instead, she became the one who created the space for others to do exactly that—be vulnerable while herself continued to numb her feelings and desires.

Years were passing in the tunnel. She was driving forward; however, the scenery of life was on repeat, in a loop. Different jobs, same mistreatments. Different relationships, same triggers. Different countries, same patterns.

Until I was finally present to take the call.

I see light

Image by Peter H from Pixabay

Hello, it’s me again. Can we talk now?

I guess…

What are you pretending not to know?

[One layer later and confusion…]

And what else?

[Two more layers deeper and a realization.]

What does that mean about you?

[Going deeper…breaking open.]

Is it true?

This is how my soul and I started our inner child and shadow work. This was perhaps the most challenging time, a time of thorough re-examination of my reality. I could see the light ahead, but I was not yet able to step into it fully. Moving forward meant leaving something behind, and I didn’t feel quite ready yet. The dark night of the soul. The existential crisis. My Phoenix process has begun.

I can’t really say that it started with one thing, one event. Instead, it was a series of low points, one after another. This was the soul’s way of getting my attention. But when you are so disconnected from your deepest self, stuck in your predicament, you fail to see the obvious - You are not the victim. You are the Creator. The universe doesn’t want you to try harder. It wants you to trust it more and let go.

However, I fought for my limitation for some time, trying to fix my life. But it only became harder until I grew tired of myself one day. Finally, I surrendered to the question - What am I pretending not to know? This holding onto old ideas and beliefs, old identities, was causing me suffering. The reluctance of the ego to create space for the new to enter. Following familiar ways of being. Having conditions for life, wishing things to be different. Fundamentally, the resistance to life itself.

“Everything will be okay as long as you are okay with everything. And that is the only time everything will be okay.” —Micheal Singer

Once I surrendered, I moved out of my way, and things started to evolve. I started experiencing flow for the first time. The right people showed up while I let the others go. The adversity transformed into lessons, and I turned inward to give the child within what she needed. I started to make sense of myself, and I was approaching the light in doing so.

However, this darkness-to-light border crossing required evidence that I would be back to finish the unfinished. Unless I was deemed a citizen of the awakened land or provide proof, a return ticket, if you will, I was not going anywhere. I rebelled against this idea of return and started to look for ways to bypass the rules while making my way into the light.

Then, the pandemic hit.

It took me some time to see that I was not going anywhere… This was my descent. This was my return ticket.

“Things may get worse before they get better, but they’ll only get better if you let them get worse.” —Elizabeth Lesser

Would you like to see PART II of this story? Let me know in the comments below.